Pre-2000 Comic Book Movies: A Look to the Past...Today

I recently came across this: Top Pre-2000s Comic Book Movies

And it made me partially vomit inside my mouth. Partially. Some good movies mentioned there, but the guy seemed to just want to make a list for the sake of making a list. Who can blame him though? Like he himself says, comic book movies were slim pickings before the current Golden Age we're experiencing right now, so it really can't be helped if he has to mention a few stinkers in there and try to pass them off as good.

Believe you me, we are in a Golden Age of comic book movies alright...and while some are hitting the nail right on the head, the thing with golden ages is, crap still does get produced, only its got a much bigger budget behind it. Take the Fantastic Four, for instance. The Roger Corman disaster from 1994 was horrible, while the new franchise post-2000 is only marginally better - it just has a better special effects budget and and an even bigger actor/actress budget. The Fantastic Four suck dong anyway, so I really don't care - they could get a Shakespearean players group to play them and it would still suck monkey scrote (the X-Men franchise, however, is given weight with actual Shakespearean actors - Patrick Stuart, Sir Ian Mckellen, Brian Cox, Halle Ber-shit, not her - and for the most part they rule, because, well, the X-Men rule and classically trained actors just gives it that much more spice). So along with the good, we still do get the bad, but its basically burned cake with a shitload of icing on top.

Being the sort of nerd I am, I of course took exception to a nerdy list put up by a fellow nerd, because that is what we do. If nerds ever entered politics (and I'm not even talking Al Gore type nerds either), we'd spend more time ripping apart each others' online campaign promise lists and blogs than actually visiting polling areas and canvassing for votes, or giving speeches at colleges. Our debates would be pretty entertaining though - complete esoteric banter that descends into garment-rending screaming matches and provocations of sexual preferences and their connection with franchise allegiances. God, we're nances. Anyway, I didn't like his list, boo hoo, and here's why.

No one in the free world (and even parts of the indentured world where piracy and hushed TV viewings are key) could EVER admit to The Shadow, Dick Tracy and The Mask to be good comic book adaptations. They're just a little painful to watch. I've never read a Mask comic ever (don't plan to either), but apparently the movie really excised a lot of what made the comic much more bearable and made it more of a toned down kid-fest. Which is all and good, since a lot of kid movies are good, provided they manage to overcome that terrific feat of being fun for both kids and adults without being cutesy. I seriously doubt I could make a kid sit down and enjoy The Shadow without ruining his/her childhood, or make an adult sit and watch The Mask without making him revert to his childhood self and shitting his pants out of despair.

Plus, the writer of that entry repeats superheroes in his list. Thats not really the mark of a good list, since the idea is to show a variety of stuff in one simple rundown. Once again, not really his fault (and I am probably making too much out of an article that was clearly written for fun, but hell, I'm having fun with this so....bleh) since there isn't that much to choose from in terms of comics-to-movies fare previous to the year 2000. Hell, it would be easier to do a worst comic book movies before 2000, 'cause hoo boy here it is (excluding the three movies mentioned above):

The Guyver - 1991
Captain America - 1991
Judge Dredd - 1995
Barb Wire - 1996
The Phantom - 1996

There's probably more, but my God...my head hurts already.

There are of course, some movies that I feel the writer on retrojunk forgot that really should be on here. Some of my list entries will be the same as his, but lets do this before I lost my nerdy zeal.

10.

Akira (1988)
I actually have not seen Akira, but know enough about it and its vast influence on animation in both Japan and the U.S. to know that it warrants a mention. Its on my Netflix right now and I fully expect to have my socks blown right off, to the end of my room, where I am sure they will explode and lose me my security deposit.

EDIT: I have now seen Akira and good Lord it is a stockpile of awesome.

9.

The Rocketeer (1991)
This movie has a lot of memories for me. I saw it when I was around 8, and I watched it a couple of years back and it still was as much fun as I remembered it for. A lot sillier, yes, but I felt it combined just the right amount of whimsy and swashbuckling action that a good comicbook - that too, a superhero - adaptation should provide. Its a tale of a young test pilot in 1940's America who dons a mask and a jetpack and saves the day. The movie has a lot of Golden Age sensibilities, which is ironic because its based on a comic written in the early 1980's as a callback to 1940's era superheroes, but told in a grittier fashion (some of these elements were toned down for family audiences). Its got mobsters, jetpacks, action, comedy, and a young caterpillar eyebrows sporting Jennifer Connolly. Good stuff.

8.

Fritz the Cat (1972)
This one is also on my Netflix so I don't have much to say about it, but judging from clips and synopses I've seen and read, this one needs to be on the list. Robert Crumb's foul mouthed comic classic that allegorizes the sexual revolution of the late 60's, college life, race relations, were all put to animation by Ralph Bakshi (yes, the Lord of the Rings cock-up Ralph Bakshi) and has the dubious honor to be the first, and possibly the only, mainstream animated film to be X rated. Cat sex, man. You laugh at furries now, but jeez...

7.


Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Arnie's breakout role! Swords, maidens, and a kickass soundtrack. My ex-roommate is nuts about this movie, but not totally in a gay way. Cough. Yeah. MUSCLES!
But seriously, great movie, a lot of fun, and totally a guy thing. Forget the sequel (it was aimed at kids, and seriously folks, when you aim to make a film for one core audience, thats usually a mistake - its the universally appealing films that usually make bank and have lasting power), rent this, and have a good time with Ahnuld!

6.

Tank Girl (1995)
Yeah, yeah, hold the applause. Tank Girl is just weird. Like, its not the most awesome movie on the block, but it was interesting if anything else. Its hard to condense the frenetic and loose pace of the actual comic into an actual movie, but at least they tried. The movie had Malcolm Macdowell as the villain (always the de facto weird/evil British guy, but always good no matter where he is), and Lori Petty is pretty cool in the eponymous role that got her cult standing. Its a far site more fun to watch than The Shadow anyway. Ugh. The Shadow? Really?!

5.

Men in Black (1997)
Seriously?! You missed this? The sequel is forgettable (better special effects though), but this movie was kinda funny, had two great leads, and yes, it was based on a comic book! Pretty good comedy and fun to watch, although not the very best of what is out there in terms of comic book movies. Tommy Lee Jones redeems himself from his previous howlingly bad performance in a certain other comic book movie (big hint: Bat-nipples) in this as the straight man to Will Smith's smartass. Good stuff, once again.

4.

Blade (1998)
Here's where I start agreeing with the other blogger, of course. Wesley Snipes as a daywalking vampire who knows kung fu and has deadly weapons (besides himself) with which he hunts vampires. Whats there not to love?

3.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
These ain't your older brother's Ninja Turtles!

No...wait...they are.

Before there was ooze, before there was time travel, before there was a live action tv series, a female turtle, and Peter Laird doing the worst Japanese accent ever, there was the very first TMNT movie. Closer in spirit to the original comic book (which was created when Laird and Eastman wanted to spoof contemporary indie comics and thought the most out-there, ridiculous concept was a group of ninjas who also happened to be turtles, and TEENS no less), this movie has it all: the best action of all three live action films, great comedy, characterization, an unusual bit of "mature" pacing for a wacky comic book movie (the sequence in the old abandoned house after the first Foot Clan attack is always going to be my favorite) and infinitely quotable lines. You know the ones I'm talking about. Yeah. Fucking TURTLES, man! A dark, introspective movie that also boasted pretty good martial arts. Where the hell was this movie on your list? Was it on your imaginary list, the one in your imaginary pants that got ruined in the imaginary laundry? Mondo bummer, dude.

2.

Batman/Batman: The Mask of the Phantasm (1989/1993)
Such a tough call, and I guess you could call me out for cheating. But hell, it HAS to be a draw. The other guy (poor guy, I really hope he doesn't think I'm ragging on him too much, it really is nothing personal, I would have made this list some day anyway!) mentioned both films, but separately. I'm trying to be a little less wishy-washy, but am not too successful, since I really can't decide between the two. Lets just say, they both belong there since Batman 1989 spawned the world of Batman: The Animated Series (of which Phantasm is a feature length spinoff), so the two really need each other to co-exist.

The first Batman film has enough written about it that doesn't need repeating in my meager little blog. Great performance by Keaton who really put himself over with snarky critics who felt he didn't have the chops to play Batman. I bet there wasn't a dry pair of pants in the house the minute you saw him grab that hood by the scruff of his neck and proclaim "I'm Batman!" Hell, even Christian Bale wouldn't have that line to say in Begins if Keaton hadn't paved the way. Keaton also brought in the "Batman voice" which other actors (the excellent Kevin Conroy in Phantasm, Bale in the current franchise) have emulated, mainly because it made sense. He really dug deep to find the core of the character, this deep, dark place that most of us are afraid to go.

But my main gripe with that film (which I may be in the minority here for) was Nicholson's Joker. Call me silly, but I never really liked it that much. Thats where Mask of the Phantasm comes in, because not only is it a feature length, PG rated film of the already excellent animated series, but it also features the Joker as voiced by Mark Hamill. This incarnation of the Joker, to date, is still my favorite, and the late Heath Ledger's performance notwithstanding, will probably remain my favorite. The right doses of menacing, foolhardy, and just plain...well, bats...reminds us how truly awesome a villain the Joker is. The animation is tight, crisp, and the plot of the film is very innovative for something typically aimed at kids (although Bruce Timm and Co. always meant their stuff to be targeted to adults first, kids second).

And the music! It really defined the character - almost as much as the theme song for our next superhero film did for its title character.

1. (drum roll)

Superman: The Movie (1978)

"The grandaddy of them all" I believe is the term most people use when describing this movie, and I am no exception. Eye-popping special effects for the time, a grand, epic way of telling the tale of the most recognizable superhero the world over, and an honest portrayal of the character by the late great Christopher Reeve. Superman provides the viewer with a sense of wonder - right from the main title march composed by John Williams, we get a sense that we're about to get something big, and at the very moment in the film's halfpoint when we see our hero finally taking off from the Fortress of Solitude, you know you're in the presence of something very otherworldly and epic. The moment in the film when Clark Kent is first shown running towards the screen, doing the iconic shirt rip to reveal that all too famous "S"...man. I still get goosebumps whenever I watch that part.

A better casting decision, you'll rarely see. I mean, look at the guy. You took one look at him, and you immediately believed he was Superman, no two questions about it. The sincerity came through, and the look was just right, no nudging, no winking. Whenever I watched Christopher Reeve as Superman, I honestly believed I'd be able to see him flying by my roof some day, smiling, signing autographs, kicking footballs into the moon, everything. I believed it, bruddah.

The special effects were eye-popping for the time, and the cast was pretty good (well, barring Ned Beatty, anyway, but hey, it was the Silver Age, everyone had a few laughs, and Richard Donner, the director, couldn't afford to be too serious about his adaptation I guess) and we really got a sense for Superman's powers, his personality, and the world around him. Its a long film, but man is it worth it. The movie without which our current Golden Age of Comic Book films (for better or for worse) would not be possible, since it was this film's serious look at the genre that set that bar fairly high. Many films have tried to leap that bar with a single bound, but have broken several superpowered faces in the process.

Next on My Face Has a Punch In it: Top 10 Best pre-1890s Zoetrope Performances.