Babies? BABIES?

How the hell do people get off on calling babies (especially newborns) cute? Every single baby ever looks like Walter Mathau. All of them,

Your wife just gave birth to this, just without hair. Happy father's day, asshole.

Seriously, no single baby has any single distinguishing feature ever. They all look like little pod creatures that will lay eggs in your esophagus when you're not looking. Don't believe me? Then I dare you to turn your back on a maternity ward some day. Couldn't do it, could you? Those fuckers may LOOK like they're clinging on to life by the skin of the teeth they don't even have yet, but man - they will fucking RAPE your throat with baby eggs. This is an odd tangent.

You know what though? Babies are a lot like old people, and vice versa. Neither of them make any sense when they try to talk, and irritate the FUCK out of you at odd times of day with their need to get cleaned of their own excrement and spaced out diet requirements. Baby food, what the fuck is that? You want mashed up medicinal crap, take a gambling junket up to Toronto and BUY your own goddamn Percoset.

Guess who just scored some fucking E from some quack in Newfoundland and is gonna feel up Meredith after the cakewalk tonight?
Not pictured: babies frebasing Playdoh.

Again, much like with old people, everyone always seems outwardly concerned with other peoples' babies, but are always secretly glad those people have ruined their own lives towards taking care of them. No one gives a shit about your goddamn baby. No one really does. When it's time for midnight feeding or paying $50,000 to keep the goddamn thing on life support (essentially boobs and the milk therein - which come to think of it, is pretty sweet life support. The only reason old people don't get the same treatment is because all the hot big tittied women are either engorged and tired from pregnancy or are too busy playing semi-professional and totally laughable football in lingerie). What I mainly don't get is, babies are fucking indistinguishable. You're seriously telling me you're able to tell one baby from another? What, do they have visual "tells"? Does one scratch its nose twice when it thinks its gonna rain, while another one looks kinda like Chow Yun Fat from a certain angle?

Google images thinks it's sooooo funny.

Seriously, give up the ghost on this one. You're just saying a baby is omg cute because you really don't want to end up saying what we're all thinking: your baby looks like a fucking hackeysack and I'm pretty sure they switched your real kid out by mistake and holy shit you've already breastfed him. No one ever wants to be an impolite douche to parents because hell, they have enough of a reality to face as it is - not only is their kid indistinguishable from a small red cabbage, but it's a tiny version of themselves that shits more, cries significantly more, and, like them, will not be accepted at the doorstep of churches any more either.

You just don't want to end up like that Seinfeld episode where that couple has an ugly baby and everyone just has to try to be polite. Hey man, ugly people have to start somewhere. Congratulations kid, you're born. Just let the rest of us fast-forward past your "terrible Twos" (and it is NOT cute just because it's alliterative, the minute all babies turn two, they need to go on no-fly lists until they blow out some fucking candles marking year number three) and then finally bask in some cuteness. Some people bask for a little while longer than that, but that's why middle schools have fences.