My Stupid Guide to Dating

If you're like me - god forbid - then you're probably a male aged 18 to 45 (which sounds like a tiring, time-consuming feat) who's been playing the dating game and getting his ass handed to him shamelessly for a while now. To continue the "game" metaphor, your dating experiences have been such embarrassing exhibitions of social interplay that your dads left their cold bleachers seats in disgust, tailgated some more at the parking lot and punched out a crossing guard.

Did you not like the extended metaphor back there? Would it have been better if I just said "Your dating game is very poor, you never seem to 'score'!" It wouldn't have been better if I said it. That's a mom joke if I've ever heard one. I take that back. Not even a self-respecting, Obama-fearing mom would touch that joke, it's so damn bad.

I'm not saying I've had cartoonishly bad "horror story" dates in the past couple of years, but I've certainly haven't had roaring, pants-ripping success with the ladies. I almost regret not having a dating experience that makes for a rollicking good story at parties or rape counseling. I mean, I've gone out for a drink with a fair share of women, even seemed to make a connection or two. The "bad" dates comprised of some contrived conversation, hilarious bon mots from yours truly and follow-up communiques that went without reply. "Good" dates consisted of some contrived conversation, more hilarious bon mots and some making out, the likes of which you've never seen; plus some back and forth communication, but then one fine day, nothing.

The net worth of my dating exploits, good or bad, has still resulted in single living. This probably doesn't qualify me to be the best person to dole out dating advice, but I set out for this to be a comedy post, so just roll with it.

With no further ado, here are some spectacular dating tips from the man with the plan and a gun in my hand!

Have an awesome photo. If you're one of the crazy people who actually meets/met your significant other in real life, either through work, mutual friends or a meet-cute where you get exactly the same assortment of donuts on your way home from work, you'll probably be doing a lot of dating through online means. The great luxury of online dating is, if you're a homely, undateable mess, people can just straight up ignore you and spare you the embarrassment of calling you a homely, undateable mess in front of co-workers or pets. If you're already in some way good looking, your awesome photo is already in the bag. Go heat up a taco, you deserve it.

Go get a photo taken with someone in a suit, then a photo with some people in crew shirts, "partying it up" on a "thirsty Thursday". Just put on a suit, head to a small claims court and ask a lawyer to take a photo with you. They don't mind! This shows that you not only know how to let your hair down and cut loose, but that you can also get business done. Women want to see well rounded individuals who put in subtle hints about a man's life in his photos. They check out your clothes, choice of dinnerware, what your friends look like, so on. We men, usually go for the obvious, and check out her other attractive friends in her photos while we're at it. Don't deny it. We all do it.

You could photograph/photoshop yourself doing awesome things like feeding a hungry baby while jumping through a fiery hoop on a dirtbike for a south american charity. You could punch a television. A lot of hippy-dippy women these days proudly list that they "don't own a TV" to denote personality, so your violent aversion to the medium will certainly set some neo-soul hearts a-flutter. NOTE: do not use your own TV, those things are fucking expensive.

Women these days have a tall order of things they want from a man and have a laundry list of (well meaning but usually unrealistic) demands they have for the man of tomorrow (today!). A good photo can speak volumes for you and may warrant more than just a fleeting glance before they move on to the profile some dude named Brad set up in which he talks about how he "totally loves motocross and the Transporter movies".

Holy shit that section was long and we're still doling out next to no useful advice. Moving on...

Pick a public place to meet: For those of us who don't want a coffee date to end in a fuckdungeon filled with knives and lavender-scented candles, we'd rather find a nice public place with a 2 drink minimum where can spend time to get to know our dates. It doesn't have to be some place fancy. In fact, try and keep away from ritzy places till at least the third date. You see, your date doesn't want to feel like she's "on a date". You're just "grabbing coffee" or "getting a beer". The place you go to seize such beverages just happens to have chairs, where you will sit and talk of things and whatsits.

Both of you are in a neutral setting where, presumably, neither will set into motion drunken tirades on how lonely and cat-filled their lives are. It's the pressure of being in a controlled environment with easily marked Exit signs (things my apartment lacks, hence the cautious nature of some of my dates) and a coffee/booze supply. If the US and Iceland were out on a date, they'd meet at Switzerland. Then they'd head back to Nevada to "watch some Dexter DVDs" but actually to get it on.

Conversation: The elephant in the room is always conversation. What do you talk about? Are you talking too much? Are you lapsing into awkward silences? Those are the worst. Remember when you played Sonic and you'd be in an underwater level, and you'd start to drown (hey fuck you, of course you remember it; stop trying to impress girls by saying you don't)? Remember that goddamn music that pressed on you to find an air bubble quick or let the blue hedgehog DIE? Awkward silences during dates are exactly like that. It's a feeling of impending doom, sorrow, and a panic attack that could fell the Incredible Hulk.

And those few sentences right there are probably the reason I'm single as of this writing. But I digress.

Do not by any means rehearse what you're going to say beforehand. This doesn't make you look like the spontaneous, exciting, bungee jumping paradigm-shifter you're trying to make yourself out to be. Let the conversation flow naturally and relax. However, ladies? I must say, a lot of times you folks put it squarely on the guy to keep the conversation going. And then we get awkward silences and he has to come up with something or else hear this music in his head over and over. We are not player pianos of information. Conversation is a two way street, so you have to keep it going too. That's what human beings do.

When in doubt, or experiencing a lull, try and go all meta on her ass and talk about the date itself, the inanity of some dating conventions, how sometimes silence between people can actually be quite nice or even some funny dating horror stories, as long as you don't make it seem like this date is turning into one. Dating can sometimes be a very artificial method to conversation, but the stories are there, you just have to bring them out of each other. Unless you're both dull as dishwater, in which case just skip to the check, go home, and bang till the neighbors complain.

(Don't) be yourself: Take a good long look at yourself. You're being yourself right now. Do you see any swooning around you while you read this, throwing back a mint julep? You don't. That's because most of the time, our regular selves make for pretty boring non-fiction. Women may put forward a list of things they like, namely "just a nice guy", but you'll find that their last few boyfriends were probably jerk-offs. This isn't because women have the memory of goldfish [citation needed]. It's because women act a lot like how American policy is depicted in that one South Park episode where it's established that the US says one thing and does another: one half of its people protest warfare while the other half support its actions. This is to come across as caring and nice, while at the same time being fierce and dominating. The same with women, my friend. A woman will never straight up say she likes the douchey, slightly overconfident guy who makes her wait in the car while he hits on her mom. She'll say she wants a "nice guy" so that she'll appeal to you, but secretly she hopes you're the bad boy who'll introduce her to rock n' roll and gang shootouts.

So be yourself, but remember you're there to put on a bit of a show. Most animals don't always flaunt their mating colors all the damn time, they just do it when it's appropriate. You have to preen, strut and make her feel interested in what you seemingly have to offer. It's only when you enter into something of a relationship when you can kind of let your guard down a bit. If she sticks around once the real you surfaces, she's a keeper. Otherwise, you may not want to renege on the rest of those motorcycle riding lessons just yet.

Women: there are definitely a lot of nice guys out there who are more than willing to be what you want them to be, which is responsible, caring, hygienic, Edward from Twilight, over 6 feet tall with a successful hedge fund and wildlife charity, so on. No wait, that's bullshit. The truth is, some ridiculous standards hurt more than they help to sift through the chaff, whether it's coming from a guy or a girl.

Maintain eye contact: You actually have a lady in front of you who's not a checkout person or a midwife! Use these fleeting moments wisely. I'm not saying stare into her eyes intently like a senior citizen inspecting a melon at the store, but make sure you're looking at her while talking, and not breaking the horizon, so to speak. You know what I mean. Boobs.

Don't look at other women, whatever you do. What's wrong with you? You're on a date with a woman, who is probably for all intents and purposes, charming, and wants you to look at her, and definitely to check her out when she's getting up to get a drink. Women are territorial creatures who will splash their mimosa in your face if they catch you checking someone else out. This will result in a comical misunderstanding where she storms off, you look befuddled, and a witty restaurant patron will drop a well-timed one-liner, to the amusement of all.

Clean yourself up, jeez: Guys, no matter what TV or the movies have taught you, a lot of us can't pull off the devil-may-care 2 day stubble and think it brings the sexy. There's a reason it works on actors and other shitheads - they're people who can establish that veneer of mystique and practiced nonchalance, especially since most women will never be able to meet them and grate cheese off their cheeks. You, on the other hand, are some jagoff she's meeting for an orange smoothie and lame jokes. If you show up looking like Snake Pliskin, she may think you're averse to showers, razors and possibly normal human contact. Remember to shave and trim, make an effort to look and smell nice, carry mints with you. Ladies, this goes double for you.

The followup: So you've had a nice time. Or not. If there was no spark or real connection, then problem solved! She probably doesn't want to see you again (a lot of women don't really want to meet men anyway - sometimes they're just hungry) and you want to move on to the next foxy lady. But if you felt there was even an inkling of something there (and you'll grasp onto that something like a mountain climber to a ledge), you'll want to contact her again within a reasonable amount of time.

Now, I've never been a big fan of the whole "wait three days" mess. It definitely has its place, and sometimes giving a little space between the date and the followup is good. Gives you both time to digest what the hell just happened. The truth is, if you wait too long, she may think you're not interested. Also, the three day rule is such a cliche, if you actually do contact her by the third sunset, she may think you're some corny dork who's going to buy her chocolate, Sandra Bullock DVDs and footrub coupons (actually, hell yeah, get her footrub coupons, if they exist). A woman who's feeling you will want you to call maybe within a day or two. Nothing big, just say hi, you had a nice time, and - this is important - make a second date. Be decisive, in control and not let on that you are peeing your pants in fear. Since this would be over the phone or email, this should come easily. AS USUAL! Woooo!

If she doesn't reply right away, or in a few days, or ever, don't fret. I used to, and now look at me - 10 pounds lighter and living large! Wait, I mean...I used to get a little miffed by it, but you know what? The truth of the matter is, meeting people you basically want to spend a lot of time with and bone frequently, for an indefinite amount of time, is not easy. There's trust involved, as well as patience and sincerity. The dating world is frustrating and dodgy - for women, it can be a sketchy world full of married men and financially uncertain 20-somethings - but the key is to keep a healthy attitude, get out there, and not have friends feeding you tips on a lapel-mic while sitting in a van 30 feet away. As hilarious as that would be, it can only end in tears, or the girl walking away with one of your friends instead. IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.